Facewhine

Published on Thursday, 08 December 2011 11:42

	By Mark Shadbolt Follow @Mark_Shadbolt

Facebook is going for a major “new look” very soon.

 "Ooh how exciting, I wonder what exciting range of new online experiences I can encounter." This is literally never anyone's view, certainly if you have as many 16 year old friends as I do (at least, in mental age). “Facebook officiality” is something which is of genuine importance to people these days: hence the uproar when it changes.

It's like your mum's face suddenly changing into that of a young Peruvian boy. Either way, it's your mum and she still loves you. However, facebook's love can only be described as “cold and necessary”, nobody really believes all their privacy stuff, they know all those children will pay them no heed.

But there's no need to react so resistantly, GRANDAD. Get with the times, and then get with them again, and again etc. The worst status updates that come from this sort of thing are people who put witless, needless and depressing platitudes, such as: “omg facebook's changed again FML.” YES, we know. What makes it worse is that 3 or 4 morons consider that to be just the very observation, and - showing their sincere unyeilding support for such vitriolic, cutting satire - “like” it. How torpid and silly!

Additionally, we will expect Twitter to be trending with #newfacebook. This is quite apt if it really meant the downfall of Facebook, because it's like running to your Dad if your Mum shouts at you, you must cling to the most familiar social network. I think I'd just go for a walk and remind myself that there is a universe of possiblity waiting for me and that the rearragangement of some pixels is – to say the very least – cosmically irrelevant.

There is always some poindexter who thinks it's incredibly interesting to mention that their facebook hasn't changed yet. People also seem to find that “like-worthy”, but why? That has nought per cent influence on anyone's life. They seem to take it as the final assurance that they are the most important person in the solar system. Until – presumably to their devastation – theirs changes at tea time. They then belatedly complain about it and draws out the whole dreary affair.

Facebook Timeline does look quite swish, all white and square like Macs, a kind of comforting, sanitary feel, although I think facebook is kind of jumping on the bandwagon a bit there. It's a bit obsequious innit? It filled it with “buzzwords” and “the very latest” things.  But, as usual, it's just a more efficient way of dredging people's personalities down to exhausted porky shells.

This is more about “telling your story” than just sharing information. It's like a little autobiography that you're allowed to lie and mislead people in: it'll be fun, you could pretend you're good-looking or successful! There will be people who criticise this as a devious new way of attaining people's genetic coding and bank details. It isn't. All you have to do it be vaguely aware that there are privacy issues, and keep important things either to yourself, or between friends (if you trust yours, which I don't) and then nobody can copy your life and steal your clothes and face and family and dreams.

So, in conclusion, Facebook is just trying its hardest, welcome the upgrades; upgrades got humans to where they are today (although this could actually be seen as a strong case against upgrading, too). Without upgrades we'd just live in the mud. So just take this as a friendly “shut up” in advance.